Well fear not: now all of you trembling souls out there can experience his wisdom first-hand! His wise words are here to shepherd us all through a variety of everyday situations and quandaries.

I present to you a sampling of accurate anecdotes, quotable quotes, and fiendish quips from the one and only:

...on language "my mandarin sounds like i'm from oxford. metaphorically speaking, that is"

...on dedication
"You see, Yvonne, the first people to turn in their APAC forms for drama get to go. So I am going to wake up at 4AM tomorrow and come to school to secure my place on the team."

(Follow-up: "Yeah, only about 6 people turned in forms for 8 positions. I am afraid my efforts were a waste.)

...on fine art
"By the way, I must say, I love this photo.
The contrast of light and dark...
The dark evilness of angry Jannina's soul,
juxtaposed with the bright and shiny glee in her illuminated face.
Genius."

...on life
"If Nick is Roahan's ass crack, then what in the world am I?"

on our generation...
"If we are the sparta of the present, I fear for the future of manly warriorhood."

...on religion
"You know what else is sacrilegious? God with genitals. =P"

...on expresso shots
"Okay, firstly, shots: concentrated=quicker intake, and higher level in blood stream at one time. Secondly, sixteen might actually be dangerous..not sure. at the very least, very frightening, and accompanied by odd sensations and a terrifying crash."

...on coffee
  "I accidentally spilled coffee on myself. It's like being branded with a hot iron by one's favorite mistress"

...on divine retribution
"That's an awful shame. It's the whole sense of balance in the world. You got into the newspaper, thus something has to be wrong with it, for your reward to be balanced with punishment."

...on women's fashion
"the dress sort of goes in at the waist, and then flares with the hips, which then accents the hips. If there's anything extra, so to speak, I guess that's there too, but the presence of the hip makes it look not that bad. Key examples of hip flare in this, Vanessa and Robin."

...on eyesight
"In order for a human to eat enough carrots to improve their eyesight, they'd need to eat about a couple hundred pounds of carrot a day. and that would cause a certain type of poisoning. So carrots don't actually help you see better."

...on distractions
"O the trifold sirens of academics, scheduling, and literature call our souls away! 
...on pedophilia
"By the way, even if pedo had been referring to feet (as it would in Latin), then the term pedophilia would simply mean one who is sexually attracted to feet. Unfortunately, the root word is actually greek in nature, so it's child."

...on geochallenge
  "i've been using a laptop mousepad.
i suspect if i used a normal mouse, my score would improvebut yes, i'm now somewhat more knowlegable about flags, their patterns, similarities, and the location of countries"
...on naps  

                "I was just starting to descend into the land of lucid pseudo-dreams and torpid day-fanciesi like to lie on my bed and let that occur slowly so that i'm sort of on the verge of sleep but the whole point of it is to get waken up if something happensGmail said: let there be sound. and there was Light."

...on Lloyd McCarthy